I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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