Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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