I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
