There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
