How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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