dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I want you more than these girls want KFC
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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