Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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