Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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