I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
