I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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