he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
