I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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