I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
