i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
