I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
