Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
