If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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