I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
