my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
