Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
