I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
