he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
