if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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