i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
