Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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