I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
