...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
