i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
