Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Randomize
