HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
