Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
