When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
