from now on my penis is your penis
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
