i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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