I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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