I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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