I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
A+ Viking dick
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
