The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
