Just fell off a train. Bad.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
