When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My feet surprised me
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
