I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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