The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
