Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
