Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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