ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
