I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
