How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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