I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
