bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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