I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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